My Place at the Table: Lessons Learned from Engaging in Japanese School

Oh no! I missed something again! I experience that sinking feeling as I once again realized I had misunderstood instructions. I squinted as I looked down the street for the yōchien (Japanese kindergarten) bus which would pick up my daughter. The sun also shone in the eyes of other moms with me, but they were holding jump ropes fitted with cute handmade cloth handles. My hands were empty.

After the bus left, I raced back to the house calling frantically to my husband. We scoured the home for the paper we missed. My hopes soared for a moment when we found it, but were shattered the next, as the paper did not include the instructions I was hoping for. So, we went to the one place to go when confronted with an urgent knowledge crisis: Google.

A dozen Japanese blogs later, we had what we needed: a list of necessary items and a detailed explanation of how to make cute jump rope handles. After a trip to the store and an hour of crafting, mission accomplished! Armed with my daughter’s newly accessorized jump rope, I furiously peddled my bike to the yōchien, where I apologetically bowed multiple times to the teacher and handed her the jump rope. She smiled comfortingly and reassured me, “Zen zen mondai nai. Arigatō gozaimasu. (No problem. Thank you.)”

Four months after we had arrived in Japan in 2016, my eldest daughter started yōchien (Japanese kindergarten) at age five. We were nervous because neither she nor I spoke Japanese and had no idea what to expect. Since then, there have been some days filled with tears but many days filled with smiles, laughter, and joy. She is now in 5th grade at elementary school and my youngest is just now starting 1st grade after graduating from yōchien. It has been an adventure for our whole family. The decision to send our children to local Japanese school has been a difficult one with many challenges, but I have learned that it is a commitment I choose to make every day. For us, it is worth it!

First challenge: language

Japanese is our family’s second language. Prior to coming to Japan, I worked in the ESL (English as a Second Language) department in a high school where students were all learning English for the first time. I observed firsthand what it meant for a student to sit for eight hours a day in class, not completely understanding what was being said by the teacher, and how hard it was for that student to keep pace academically. Here I was exposing my daughter to a similar experience! What was I thinking?

Language can affect most everything we do. Therefore, every task done in a second language becomes more complicated, and it is easy to become overwhelmed.

Second challenge: time

During my first year in Japan, the most common thought was, This is going to take longer than I thought. Shopping for school supplies, figuring out instructions on paperwork, and spending time chatting with other parents all took more time. I had to adjust my expectations of what I could accomplish in a day. I reminded myself that just as everything took me twice or three times as long to accomplish, the same may be true for my daughters.

Third challenge: culture

The differences between Japanese and American school culture are also challenging. There are so many differences, including wearing indoor shoes, lunch in the classroom instead of a cafeteria, and class sizes of 35 or 40 students. Adapting takes time and effort. Cultural misunderstandings happen frequently and sometimes over simple concepts such as what can or cannot be worn outside on the playground.

The significance of intuitive and indirect communication and the importance of group-oriented behaviors are the two most meaningful cultural observations we have made. Even if an individual is fluent in Japanese, clearly understanding school expectations can still be difficult. This was my husband’s experience, even though he grew up in Japan. Many evenings after he translated school papers, I would ask him what it meant. He would often say. “I am not exactly sure. Let’s call someone and ask.”

Students do everything in groups in Japanese schools. They walk to school in groups and they sit in a group called a han. Classroom tasks are designated to groups of two to four students for morning greetings, announcements, serving lunch, cleaning the white board, and taking care of the class garden or pet. Every week our daughter works together in a group with her classmates on some task.

A place at the table

This group-orientedness is also seen with the parents. Mothers of my daughter’s yōchien classmates invited me to multiple group gatherings, despite my limited Japanese. We would often meet for lunch or dinner. Our children were in the same class together and that was enough to secure our bond of friendship. It was also enough to give me—a foreigner—a “place at the table.”

It was at this table that God revealed to me that no matter what challenges came with sending our children to Japanese school, this was how he was going to use us in this season. At this table, I was asked about my family and about my faith. It was at this table that friendships formed and grew. One of the most significant blessings our family has experienced in Japan has been seeing God growing relationships with our friends in our Japanese school community.

For each challenge, God sent us a blessing. He sent me a friend from the yōchien who invited me into her home for tea and patiently talked with me while using dictionaries and simple second-language skills. My daughter’s first grade teacher had also lived abroad, and she was empathetic and patient as she explained cultural differences. We have been blessed with a community that has welcomed us and included us as part of their group.

What I’ve learned

God has taught me some principles through these experiences, and I am still learning so much even years later!

First, it is very important to show ourselves and our children grace and compassion. Learning a new culture and language is exhausting for both adults and children. Rest and spending time to love on each other is vital while we face these challenges together.

Second, do not let shame or discouragement keep you from showing up and being vulnerable. Negative experiences or hurtful words threaten to keep us from engaging a new community. It is important to keep leaning into God and his grace for us.

I have also learned to daily remember that it is in our weakness that our God is strong. It is not in our own strength or our own language or culture skills that we face these circumstances; it is in God’s strength! And it is in that strength that we can remember who we are as his children—we are called by him, and we are loved by him!

A version of this post first appeared in the Japan Harvest Summer Issue 2020.